It's been awhile since I've wanted to write about anything. Lately, it’s hard to escape how much watching the news upsets me, but also makes me feel like I should be doing more. At this point, with so much happening it’s hard to know where to start. So, I want to start with sharing myself.
I’ve been waiting for the right time to share this story on my blog, mainly because I haven’t felt ready. I’ve written and rewritten, worried about the reaction I would get from others, if any. It’s never going to be the right time, I’ve finally realized. Now seems about as convenient as ever.
I have been sexually harassed and assaulted more times than I can recall. From the old men at the grocery store, on the bus, on the street who “brush” against my backside, seemingly in a hurry, but grip too firm to not be intentional. The ex-boyfriend who tried to set up a 3-some without my knowledge, being blindsided with another guy’s hands down my pants and no one believing me after the fact because of the other person’s sexual orientation. The old boss, who I stupidly thought was going to teach me about the music business, who forced himself on me in my car.
...these are the ones I remember most, but there was one that changed me forever.
In Spring of 2011, I was raped at a fraternity on the University of Utah campus. It wasn’t the first time I was taken advantage of in this house, nor was it the last. I was a 19 year old sorority girl, in my second year at the University, and had just been accepted into the Actor’s Training Program through the College of Fine Arts.
Others in my sorority eventually started talking about their similar experiences at the same fraternity, to which they were silenced by upperclassmen. “You don’t want to ruin our house's relationship with theirs, do you?”
On my 20th birthday, he tried again. This time and unbeknownst to him, he shoved me into an occupied room. He shoved me to the ground and forced himself on top of me. Literally, by the grace of The Universe, someone sprang out of the top bunk, pulled him off me and started yelling at him to not do this here. I bolted for the door, ran to my friends and left the house - not speaking about what had happened.
Why would I share my stories after hearing other girls be silenced? Why would I share them, when I’m still trying to process what happened in my head? People haven’t believed me in the past, why would I share this new experience now? The system was more powerful than I alone, and it fucking failed me.
For over a year, I pretended none of it happened. Out of sight, out of mind - right? I lost myself. I blamed myself. I drank too much. I lost friends because of my erratic behavior. I switched majors because I didn’t want to feel emotions. I failed classes because I couldn’t concentrate. I dropped my sorority because I was outcasted. I hated everything.
I blamed myself.
In 2012, I finally met someone who I felt I could confide in and I’m almost positive it’s what scared them away. I sunk. I was low. I had no one. I was alone. I didn’t talk about it, and I lost myself even more. I blamed myself.
In 2013, I had a mental breakdown. I finally imploded because I couldn’t pretend I wasn’t full of pain anymore. My biggest fear, was that people wouldn't believe me, or they would laugh, or worse - they would undermine my experiences.
After some time, I finally gathered the courage to contact the Rape Recovery Center. Immediately, I was overwhelmed by their generosity and support. I started going to therapy every week, and I finally started to take ownership of the situation. Most importantly, I learned to not blame myself for the awful things that have happened to me. I started to hold myself accountable for how my emotions were affecting me.
It's 2017, and this is the first year I've been able to speak openly about these experiences. They still affect how I carry myself today. I don’t open to new people, because I don’t have a lot of trust left to give. BUT - I'd like to point out that I have had an amazing boyfriend for the past (almost) 3 years, who has been so patient, caring and helpful in my process. He is truly a spectacular man and I am so thankful for him. ♡
These experiences don't define me, but they did shape me into the person I am today. I hope to be someone compassionate and understanding, an ear to listen to if someone feels like they are alone. I assure you, you are not.
Showing posts with label adulthood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adulthood. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 18, 2017
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
Building Zero Problems
I'm working on a new project & I need your help.
One of my favorite parts about life are the beautiful connections we make with each other. One of my least favorite parts about life is an excessive need for validation, from other people, especially when I think outside the box. Whether it's 1-time advice from the old man sitting next to you at the bar, or a life-changing decision you're desperately seeking an answer for - being heard is important.
It took me a really long time to understand that I wasn't the only person who felt insecure when I didn't know the answer to something. This next project is something I'm really passionate about. My goal is to get people, from all walks of life, talking and asking questions in a safe space that is meant for nothing more but connection, ease and entertainment.
From growing up in Texas, as a competitive cheerleader, moving to Utah with a non-traditional Christian background to being sought after in high school as someone who could be saved with LDS Missionary lessons. Going to Acting/Film school in Salt Lake City while being bullied by Sorority sisters and drugged on multiple occasions in Fraternity houses, remaining as an empty shell. Spending time in therapy, failed relationships and friendships, to blogging about my problems afterwards. To finally getting the courage to leave and go to Acting school for a summer in LA. Back to working in the top Talent Agency in SLC & then making a move to San Francisco to pursue a career (my dream career @ my dream company) in Entertainment and Social Media, which eventually all crumbled in my lap. All of this, with an intense obsession for Gangster Rap, Ancient Aliens and my insanely diverse group of friends.
I may not be an expert in advice-giving, but I've seen some shit and I am extremely passionate about people and their stories.
One of my favorite parts about life are the beautiful connections we make with each other. One of my least favorite parts about life is an excessive need for validation, from other people, especially when I think outside the box. Whether it's 1-time advice from the old man sitting next to you at the bar, or a life-changing decision you're desperately seeking an answer for - being heard is important.
It took me a really long time to understand that I wasn't the only person who felt insecure when I didn't know the answer to something. This next project is something I'm really passionate about. My goal is to get people, from all walks of life, talking and asking questions in a safe space that is meant for nothing more but connection, ease and entertainment.
I've never felt understood and I've always been selfish enough to think I was the only one. My life has always been a confusing contradiction of trying to make a million things work at once.
From growing up in Texas, as a competitive cheerleader, moving to Utah with a non-traditional Christian background to being sought after in high school as someone who could be saved with LDS Missionary lessons. Going to Acting/Film school in Salt Lake City while being bullied by Sorority sisters and drugged on multiple occasions in Fraternity houses, remaining as an empty shell. Spending time in therapy, failed relationships and friendships, to blogging about my problems afterwards. To finally getting the courage to leave and go to Acting school for a summer in LA. Back to working in the top Talent Agency in SLC & then making a move to San Francisco to pursue a career (my dream career @ my dream company) in Entertainment and Social Media, which eventually all crumbled in my lap. All of this, with an intense obsession for Gangster Rap, Ancient Aliens and my insanely diverse group of friends.
I may not be an expert in advice-giving, but I've seen some shit and I am extremely passionate about people and their stories.
This platform is now open for discussion:
disclaimer: The end goal in this project is building a larger platform to discuss the questions being asked. Thanks for reading!
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
When does fear become courage?
Have you ever had a shitty week? How about a whole shitty month? Obviously, it's nothing you can avoid if you're human. But, the important question to ask yourself is how do you plan to move forward? How do you continue when things in your life start to change so drastically?
I've always heard, "It's how you react to change that determines what kind of person you are." It's true, change is the only thing in life you can pretty much count on - besides death & taxes. It's never easy, but almost always necessary. You can choose to have negative feelings towards it and you'll almost surely die with your misery and heartache, or, you can choose to let it affect you and run with it. Eventually, you learn to live with it.
But how many of us can say that we've been given a clean slate?
I feel like I've had a clean slate before, when I was 15 and moved to Utah from Texas, or when I was 19 and made the decision to keep my distance from the city I once called home. Whether it's healthy to adopt that kind of attitude, I'm not too sure, but it works for me. The only difference is this time, I have a clean slate with no plan.
I will say, I'm lucky that I have such a dope family that catches me before I fall flat on my ass. I was unexpectedly given a clean slate, but I was lost in the chaos before I actually saw it as that.
I was 17 when I graduated high school, turned 18 in August of that year and moved out of my parents house, into my dorm, a week and a half later. Fast-forward 5 years later, brokenhearted after a bunch of tumultuous relationships and unfortunate circumstances, continually told the person I am, was not an appropriate personality for me to have; I had two semesters left of college and had just been hired full-time at a local talent agency. Adulthood was coming at me in full swing, my love of art was completely unfolding, and my burning desire to constantly create was and is stronger than ever. I decided school wasn't helping me get to where I wanted to be. So, I followed my heart.
I did my best and worked my ass off, but something was always missing. This past year, my depression had reached an overwhelming point - though, of course, you don't see it when you're living it. I honestly don't know what caused the initial spiral (there's a long list), I just know I fell deep and I fell fast.
I'm a worrier. The stay-up-all-night, make-yourself-physically-sick type of worrier. I've had anxiety since I can remember, which inevitably shuts my body down every few months and I suffer from physical illness. I wish I could explain it well enough but I remember one day when I was 3 or 4 years old, and for the first time I started to wonder about my future. Except it wasn't pleasant daydreams - it was panic. A fear of what was to come settled in my brain that day and has never left.
My question for you is: what would you do, RIGHT NOW, if you had a clean slate? Would you see the world? Would you pick up and leave or would find something new in the city you're in?
I'll let you know when I figure it out.
In the meantime, I hope 2016 brings you lots of love, happiness and satisfaction. Oh, and btw - you can have your clean slate whenever you decide to start living again.
PYS,
alliehustle
I've always heard, "It's how you react to change that determines what kind of person you are." It's true, change is the only thing in life you can pretty much count on - besides death & taxes. It's never easy, but almost always necessary. You can choose to have negative feelings towards it and you'll almost surely die with your misery and heartache, or, you can choose to let it affect you and run with it. Eventually, you learn to live with it.
But how many of us can say that we've been given a clean slate?
I feel like I've had a clean slate before, when I was 15 and moved to Utah from Texas, or when I was 19 and made the decision to keep my distance from the city I once called home. Whether it's healthy to adopt that kind of attitude, I'm not too sure, but it works for me. The only difference is this time, I have a clean slate with no plan.
I will say, I'm lucky that I have such a dope family that catches me before I fall flat on my ass. I was unexpectedly given a clean slate, but I was lost in the chaos before I actually saw it as that.
I was 17 when I graduated high school, turned 18 in August of that year and moved out of my parents house, into my dorm, a week and a half later. Fast-forward 5 years later, brokenhearted after a bunch of tumultuous relationships and unfortunate circumstances, continually told the person I am, was not an appropriate personality for me to have; I had two semesters left of college and had just been hired full-time at a local talent agency. Adulthood was coming at me in full swing, my love of art was completely unfolding, and my burning desire to constantly create was and is stronger than ever. I decided school wasn't helping me get to where I wanted to be. So, I followed my heart.
I did my best and worked my ass off, but something was always missing. This past year, my depression had reached an overwhelming point - though, of course, you don't see it when you're living it. I honestly don't know what caused the initial spiral (there's a long list), I just know I fell deep and I fell fast.
I'm a worrier. The stay-up-all-night, make-yourself-physically-sick type of worrier. I've had anxiety since I can remember, which inevitably shuts my body down every few months and I suffer from physical illness. I wish I could explain it well enough but I remember one day when I was 3 or 4 years old, and for the first time I started to wonder about my future. Except it wasn't pleasant daydreams - it was panic. A fear of what was to come settled in my brain that day and has never left.
My question for you is: what would you do, RIGHT NOW, if you had a clean slate? Would you see the world? Would you pick up and leave or would find something new in the city you're in?
I'll let you know when I figure it out.
In the meantime, I hope 2016 brings you lots of love, happiness and satisfaction. Oh, and btw - you can have your clean slate whenever you decide to start living again.
PYS,
alliehustle
Btw - I have an interview for my dream job today. I've started creating, designing and producing my v own art projects and I couldn't be more content! You can see/buy them at www.alliehustle.com ! Send me good vibes!!! (:
Thursday, October 22, 2015
High School in Utah as a new, non-Mormon kid.
This original article inspired me to write about my experience going to high school in Ogden, Utah. I encourage you to read it: here, as a back story for the thought behind my writing. Another thing I will add, this is a generalization of the mass majority in my personal experience. There are always exceptions.
I talk about my move from Colleyville, Texas to Ogden, Utah a lot, because I moved when I was 15. I moved at a pivotal point in my development, when I had grown up with my best friends in Texas since pre-school and Kindergarten. I started high school with them, only to leave after my Freshman year. It was rough.
I remember the culture shock vividly. I remember coming home from school and being on the phone with my mom, who traveled for business every week, bawling my eyes out, begging her to let me go home. Her harsh words of, "you ARE home" struck me to the core and took a long time for me to accept.
Being the new kid sucks. I hated it because I felt like it gave people a reason to talk about me behind my back. I always felt like an outsider and I really never understood why. Besides the fact my new classmates, for the majority, had all known each other since childhood, there was another element that made them not as easily accepting of new friends to their already-established "crew."
When I finally started to meet people and make friends, usually their first question was always, "which ward are you in?" To which my reply was always, "which fucking what?" It didn't dawn on me until much later, that I was seen as "different" because of my and my family's religious views.
My parents knew it was important to instill good morals and faith in my life. I was baptized Methodist when I was a baby. We went to church every major Christian holiday and a few Sundays here and there throughout the year. I went to children's Bible study, while my family continued through the adult service; while my Grandma was in the church choir, every single Sunday. I'm happy I had that structure when I was younger. I think it's important for any kid to have access to that information, so they can make their own informed decision on what they believe later in life.
I will say, by my junior and senior year, I had a solid group of friends that were not Mormon, but we all felt the same shame most religious people not-so-discreetly threw at us. "You're such a good person, why are you not Mormon?" was a statement I heard frequently and could never avoid. Almost as if some of my friends didn't understand that good natured people could be anything BUT Mormon. I even had friends who invited me to their family's home for dinner, only to surprise me with missionaries who wanted to stuff their beliefs down my throat. If I had to give it a name, it was religious bullying - on top of regular, mean-spirited, high school bullying, it was a lot to take in.
Last summer, I stumbled into a Facebook group/invite that was for my 5-year high school reunion. Was I invited personally? No. But when I started to lurk through the pages to find it was a "family" event and spouses and children were welcome, I literally wanted to vomit. It's not just one type of religious person in Utah that wants to settle down by age 22, but it's the culture of this state as a whole. Definitely influenced by one religion.
For the most part, my close friends in high school were not extremely religious. I try to keep in touch with my best girlfriends, but we've all diverged on such different paths that it's hard to keep a conversation flowing these days. I'll always have a soft spot for them, but I can't relate to their lives anymore. Had you asked me at age 17 if I thought all my friends would have children and either be married or "settled" by age 24, I would have laughed in your face. Now, I shudder in disbelief that it actually came true. Don't get me wrong, I have mad respect for the people I went to high school with who have started families and are insanely happy - but that's never been something I've wanted in my early to mid twenties.
I'm stoked on life. I have no responsibilities, except going to work, paying my bills and taking care of myself. I can get up, pack my shit to leave tomorrow and spend a month in Europe, if I wanted to. I can switch careers if I'm not loving what I do. I have an amazing relationship with my boyfriend, where our #1 commitment is to support each other and Netflix & chill every weekend. I can live my life the way I want. But the hardest part is when I see these people now, and they genuinely feel bad for me. I see it in their eyes. The stigma here is that because I'm 24, childless and not engaged, I'm miserable - and when that is a constant theme around you, maybe you start to believe it yourself.
I can only hope that the people I speak about in this blog post will one day realize their lack of education and ignorance. A lot of people in Utah are good-natured in their hearts, but the unawareness and nonacceptance of other types of people and happiness is damaging. I've dealt with the repercussions first-hand and I've taken one major life lesson from it - BEING DIFFERENT IS BEAUTIFUL.
I talk about my move from Colleyville, Texas to Ogden, Utah a lot, because I moved when I was 15. I moved at a pivotal point in my development, when I had grown up with my best friends in Texas since pre-school and Kindergarten. I started high school with them, only to leave after my Freshman year. It was rough.
I remember the culture shock vividly. I remember coming home from school and being on the phone with my mom, who traveled for business every week, bawling my eyes out, begging her to let me go home. Her harsh words of, "you ARE home" struck me to the core and took a long time for me to accept.
Being the new kid sucks. I hated it because I felt like it gave people a reason to talk about me behind my back. I always felt like an outsider and I really never understood why. Besides the fact my new classmates, for the majority, had all known each other since childhood, there was another element that made them not as easily accepting of new friends to their already-established "crew."
When I finally started to meet people and make friends, usually their first question was always, "which ward are you in?" To which my reply was always, "which fucking what?" It didn't dawn on me until much later, that I was seen as "different" because of my and my family's religious views.
My parents knew it was important to instill good morals and faith in my life. I was baptized Methodist when I was a baby. We went to church every major Christian holiday and a few Sundays here and there throughout the year. I went to children's Bible study, while my family continued through the adult service; while my Grandma was in the church choir, every single Sunday. I'm happy I had that structure when I was younger. I think it's important for any kid to have access to that information, so they can make their own informed decision on what they believe later in life.
I will say, by my junior and senior year, I had a solid group of friends that were not Mormon, but we all felt the same shame most religious people not-so-discreetly threw at us. "You're such a good person, why are you not Mormon?" was a statement I heard frequently and could never avoid. Almost as if some of my friends didn't understand that good natured people could be anything BUT Mormon. I even had friends who invited me to their family's home for dinner, only to surprise me with missionaries who wanted to stuff their beliefs down my throat. If I had to give it a name, it was religious bullying - on top of regular, mean-spirited, high school bullying, it was a lot to take in.
Last summer, I stumbled into a Facebook group/invite that was for my 5-year high school reunion. Was I invited personally? No. But when I started to lurk through the pages to find it was a "family" event and spouses and children were welcome, I literally wanted to vomit. It's not just one type of religious person in Utah that wants to settle down by age 22, but it's the culture of this state as a whole. Definitely influenced by one religion.
For the most part, my close friends in high school were not extremely religious. I try to keep in touch with my best girlfriends, but we've all diverged on such different paths that it's hard to keep a conversation flowing these days. I'll always have a soft spot for them, but I can't relate to their lives anymore. Had you asked me at age 17 if I thought all my friends would have children and either be married or "settled" by age 24, I would have laughed in your face. Now, I shudder in disbelief that it actually came true. Don't get me wrong, I have mad respect for the people I went to high school with who have started families and are insanely happy - but that's never been something I've wanted in my early to mid twenties.
I'm stoked on life. I have no responsibilities, except going to work, paying my bills and taking care of myself. I can get up, pack my shit to leave tomorrow and spend a month in Europe, if I wanted to. I can switch careers if I'm not loving what I do. I have an amazing relationship with my boyfriend, where our #1 commitment is to support each other and Netflix & chill every weekend. I can live my life the way I want. But the hardest part is when I see these people now, and they genuinely feel bad for me. I see it in their eyes. The stigma here is that because I'm 24, childless and not engaged, I'm miserable - and when that is a constant theme around you, maybe you start to believe it yourself.
I can only hope that the people I speak about in this blog post will one day realize their lack of education and ignorance. A lot of people in Utah are good-natured in their hearts, but the unawareness and nonacceptance of other types of people and happiness is damaging. I've dealt with the repercussions first-hand and I've taken one major life lesson from it - BEING DIFFERENT IS BEAUTIFUL.
SHIRT: OMIGHTY
(P)HUCK (Y)O (S)TANDARDS,
allie ♡
Sunday, August 30, 2015
An Afternoon in the SL,UT
Saturday, August 29th
An Afternoon in the SL,UT
photos/models: (with Instagram tags!)
Jeffers Corn - @iamgangster
Brandon DelBianco - @waitwhatdelb
Allie Hustle - @alliehustle
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Sunday, April 12, 2015
Dear mean bitches,
I've been having a hard time lately.
Some days are good and some days are bad. What makes it all worse, I know I do it to myself. I don't have to feel this way, but I do.
I can remember being a little 4 year old with big hopes & dreams of being recognized for my achievements at an early age. I gave myself a deadline. My 4-year-old-self gave my adult-self a deadline to be successful - to be a millionaire by 24. Obviously, looking back now I realize how far-fetched this dream was, but, I also have to commend little Allie. She was ambitious and it pains me to say, over the past year I've suddenly lost this ambition.
This year, I'll be 24. I think that's why it's all hitting me so hard right now. I haven't acted in almost a year, which is what I was going to school for. I've been writing and recording for a mixtape, which has taken the back seat due to, well, life. I just know that I haven't been myself lately, and I'm tired of that.
I grew up in conservative Texas, moved to conservative Utah when I was 15 and grew up in a (somewhat/mainly) socially liberal family. I was conflicted by my surroundings and by what my family taught me and that was very hard for me.
I lived in a society where moms stayed at home. My friends mom's would wake them up, make them breakfast, take them school and pick them up. Granted, there were several exceptions to this standard but it was the norm for most of my friends. Dads worked, dads traveled and dads were the breadwinners.
That wasn't the case for me.
Both of my parents worked, really fucking hard. My dad would wake up at 4:00 am every morning to get to work, so, my mom would get us ready for school, make sure we ate and dropped us off on her way to work. On days she had to be there early, I would take the bus. Dad would make dinner, mom got home after 6:00 pm and that was that. That was my normal.
Kids are brutal, though. I can't tell you how many times my friends would make comments about how weird it was my dad cooked dinner every night. But it got worse.
My mom took a new job when I was in 6th/7th grade, which required her to be in New York City every Monday - Friday. She wanted to be close to family so instead of going east to make it easy on her, we moved to Utah after I finished 9th grade.
All I wanted growing up was to fit in. I was the new kid and with that title, it isn't easy. Luckily, I had cheerleading to put my time and energy into, along with taking out my frustrations. It was a true blessing to have my coaches looking out for me, with the few teachers I actually respected, along with my amazing parents and family. I was never alone but I felt that way for a long time.
It was hard in high school to be in a town that was mainly Mormon and not exactly accepting of people who are different, aka me and my family. Girls and their moms (mainly from my cheer team) would make comments about my mom being absent for certain events, or how it was strange that while everyone had cheer moms, I had a cheer dad.
Right now, I'd like to take a sec a give a big FUCK YOU to all of those bitchy girls & their sad moms that I knew back then. Thank you for being so mean to me. You gave me my drive to be better.
I was bullied, very equally, by boys and girls. I don't know how I made it through some days, but I did. I'm still here and I'm still fighting. I still deal with bullies and it still makes me sad. You just have to remember to focus on the good, put your energy where it belongs and spend time with people who enjoy spending time with you!!!
I'm not sure where the passion went, I know it's still inside of me, I just haven't been searching for it hard enough lately. Remembering what got me to this point is a great starter, though. If you're reading this and you can relate, just remember that you aren't alone! Life is hard, people are mean but you have to enjoy what you've been given because it's all we know! This world is beautiful. Even if it can be pretty shitty, find the beauty in the shit!!
And for the record, I have the best parents in the entire world. We struggled for awhile to see eye-to-eye, but I know now that everything they did was to ensure I could live my dreams one day. They are two of the most incredible people I've ever met and I'm so lucky they support my crazy antics. They always have and I know they always will.
Anyway, you're not alone. You never are! If you feel that way, talk to me. Please. Life is too precious to feel like you don't have anyone to talk to about your experiences!! Always remind yourself that.
Some days are good and some days are bad. What makes it all worse, I know I do it to myself. I don't have to feel this way, but I do.
I can remember being a little 4 year old with big hopes & dreams of being recognized for my achievements at an early age. I gave myself a deadline. My 4-year-old-self gave my adult-self a deadline to be successful - to be a millionaire by 24. Obviously, looking back now I realize how far-fetched this dream was, but, I also have to commend little Allie. She was ambitious and it pains me to say, over the past year I've suddenly lost this ambition.
This year, I'll be 24. I think that's why it's all hitting me so hard right now. I haven't acted in almost a year, which is what I was going to school for. I've been writing and recording for a mixtape, which has taken the back seat due to, well, life. I just know that I haven't been myself lately, and I'm tired of that.
I grew up in conservative Texas, moved to conservative Utah when I was 15 and grew up in a (somewhat/mainly) socially liberal family. I was conflicted by my surroundings and by what my family taught me and that was very hard for me.
I lived in a society where moms stayed at home. My friends mom's would wake them up, make them breakfast, take them school and pick them up. Granted, there were several exceptions to this standard but it was the norm for most of my friends. Dads worked, dads traveled and dads were the breadwinners.
That wasn't the case for me.
Both of my parents worked, really fucking hard. My dad would wake up at 4:00 am every morning to get to work, so, my mom would get us ready for school, make sure we ate and dropped us off on her way to work. On days she had to be there early, I would take the bus. Dad would make dinner, mom got home after 6:00 pm and that was that. That was my normal.
Kids are brutal, though. I can't tell you how many times my friends would make comments about how weird it was my dad cooked dinner every night. But it got worse.
My mom took a new job when I was in 6th/7th grade, which required her to be in New York City every Monday - Friday. She wanted to be close to family so instead of going east to make it easy on her, we moved to Utah after I finished 9th grade.
All I wanted growing up was to fit in. I was the new kid and with that title, it isn't easy. Luckily, I had cheerleading to put my time and energy into, along with taking out my frustrations. It was a true blessing to have my coaches looking out for me, with the few teachers I actually respected, along with my amazing parents and family. I was never alone but I felt that way for a long time.
It was hard in high school to be in a town that was mainly Mormon and not exactly accepting of people who are different, aka me and my family. Girls and their moms (mainly from my cheer team) would make comments about my mom being absent for certain events, or how it was strange that while everyone had cheer moms, I had a cheer dad.
Right now, I'd like to take a sec a give a big FUCK YOU to all of those bitchy girls & their sad moms that I knew back then. Thank you for being so mean to me. You gave me my drive to be better.
I was bullied, very equally, by boys and girls. I don't know how I made it through some days, but I did. I'm still here and I'm still fighting. I still deal with bullies and it still makes me sad. You just have to remember to focus on the good, put your energy where it belongs and spend time with people who enjoy spending time with you!!!
I'm not sure where the passion went, I know it's still inside of me, I just haven't been searching for it hard enough lately. Remembering what got me to this point is a great starter, though. If you're reading this and you can relate, just remember that you aren't alone! Life is hard, people are mean but you have to enjoy what you've been given because it's all we know! This world is beautiful. Even if it can be pretty shitty, find the beauty in the shit!!
And for the record, I have the best parents in the entire world. We struggled for awhile to see eye-to-eye, but I know now that everything they did was to ensure I could live my dreams one day. They are two of the most incredible people I've ever met and I'm so lucky they support my crazy antics. They always have and I know they always will.
Anyway, you're not alone. You never are! If you feel that way, talk to me. Please. Life is too precious to feel like you don't have anyone to talk to about your experiences!! Always remind yourself that.
Fashion Update:
New fave shoes - from: Inu-Inu
&Like I said earlier, if you need someone - talk to me!
Here are my social media sites:
Thanks 4 listening.
pys,
allie ♡
Sunday, March 29, 2015
But Officer.. They were fuckin w/ my squad.. & I'm professional.
Halter: O-Mighty
Happy Sunday, my loves!
Yesterday was so amazing! Spring is finally in full swing & warm weather is swarming the Salt Lake Valley.
I went on an adventure with my boyfriend thru the Bonneville Shoreline trails in the mountains yesterday. Being able to disconnect with the city & enjoy nature is what keeps me sane on the weekends.
Having a full time job is exhausting and can be really demanding throughout the week. We all have to stop and remember to breathe deep sometimes. I've been having such a hard time with the transition from student -> professional lately.
I finished college (after 5.5 years) about 6 months ago. There were periods of time where I was back and forth between wanting to work part-time and wanting to be a student full-time. Now, I'm a full-time talent booker/agent/VO director at the most reputable and longest running talent agency in Salt Lake City. ~ McCarty Talent Agency. ~
I love my job & love how much information I'm learning that I can carry with me for the future. I've always wanted to work in the entertainment industry, & I'm finally doing it!! Which is why I studied acting & film at the University of Utah & have been performing as a rap artist - Allie Hustle (<<link 2 my SoundCloud).
BUT there is one thing that is really trying and hard for me. Being an artist but not feeling like it because I've been putting myself 2nd. I don't act at all anymore, as well as rapping - I haven't been writing new material or recording because I don't have the drive after I get home from work. I just want to melt in my couch.
I know, I know. Get motivated, don't be lazy, don't let your life get lived away... Anyway, I don't want you to read this and think I'm complaining and being miz.
I LOVE my job. I LOVE my coworkers (aka - family!!). I LOVE the people, opportunities and projects I get to work with every day.
But... your early 20s are a really hard time in life! If you've already been through it, I know you remember. & If you haven't yet... let me just break it down for you. ~~~ You constantly face questions like, "am I making the right decisions?" or "will this decision get me to where I want to be in the future?"
It's really fucking scary & really fucking hard on your little body!
I wanted to write this in hopes of connecting with others who feel like me. I was so out of my element that I actually ended up in the ER a few weeks ago. I suffer with migraines v often & have ever since I was a baby but this time it was different. My body physically didn't feel like it could manage to heal itself, so I got help.
That's what I hope I can get across. Take care of yourself, u guys! We all go thru the same things (somewhat!). We need to connect and help each other thru it. So that's why I'm here, writing this to you! If you feel sad or not motivated, talk to me! I go thru those feelings constantly & daily. Don't ever feel like you're alone, because you aren't.
♡
(P)huck (Y)o (S)tandards,
allie
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Importance of Passion in Life
I'm in the process of getting rid of my >old< blog, so I'll be posting some of my favorite posts from it on this new one. Thx 4 sharing these experiences with me! It helps me keep going every day. ☺
I hope you find something in here you can relate to. ♡
Passion is one of the most important elements of life, to me. As I get older, I’m realizing that my passion for art, acting, music, writing, dance, fashion, photography, drawing – you name it, it’s what drives me to wake up and be a better person. I truly believe that art is one of the most beautiful and positive things that humans have created, and by using it right – we can change the world.
Becoming an adult sucks. I mean, it’s alright, but seriously hard AF. Having a full time job can take a lot out of you too, which has been the story of my life recently.$Money$ is, unfortunately, so important in today’s society if you want to live comfortably. It’s just as important to remember to find a job that you love doing.(because it is possible to love what you do & make a living doing it!!!!!)However, when your expensive taste has you feeling more stressed about not being able to buy clothes off the runway than paying rent, there is a situation.(>_<)
Anyway, ^ that’s ^ another post right there – back to passion. You have to find it in yourself, even if there is nothing in sight, you have to keep searching. It’s in you & it’s in all of us. Don’t be so quick to judge yourself with your art. Let it happen and the people who respect you as a human will show their support, no matter what! There will be others, though, ones who will never be your fans or supporters. That’s just fact. Once you know that and accept it, it will be much easier to appreciate the support of others who support you(!!!)
I haven’t written anything in a long time because I’ve had no inspiration. That changed last night. I can’t pinpoint the exact moment – but as I watched The Rap Sheet documentary on Netflix & heard The Game talking mad shit on 50 Cent for being a snitch, I had something – passion & inspiration.
So, I wanted to share it with you.
To anyone who has been fooled by a trusted source for some length of time.
To anyone getting back on your feet after someone knocked you down.
To anyone who believes in the right thing. To anyone who believes in art.
To anyone who believes in human connections and irl peace.
But especially, to you, because you’re afuckboy.
To anyone getting back on your feet after someone knocked you down.
To anyone who believes in the right thing. To anyone who believes in art.
To anyone who believes in human connections and irl peace.
But especially, to you, because you’re a
Poem to the Poser:
Poem to the Poser, won’t make it hard to tell.
Keep flowing mistruths, I know those lies well.
Forever strong, was the front you kept. So I keep my distance with depleted respect.
Respect never earned and all fake accomplishments yet –
all I’m seeing is bullshit and I ain’t even a vet.
Put jokes aside, ur swag makes me cry, I’ll remember every lie, I’m glad ur out of my life.
I’m staying high all the time, so this is goodbye.
Posers can’t win and I’ll never die.
Keep flowing mistruths, I know those lies well.
Forever strong, was the front you kept. So I keep my distance with depleted respect.
Respect never earned and all fake accomplishments yet –
all I’m seeing is bullshit and I ain’t even a vet.
Put jokes aside, ur swag makes me cry, I’ll remember every lie, I’m glad ur out of my life.
I’m staying high all the time, so this is goodbye.
Posers can’t win and I’ll never die.
pys,
allie
allie
Saturday, March 14, 2015
My 1st Thoughts
Everything I ever thought it meant to be an "adult" was a lie...but it's gonna take a while to get thru all of that.
Let's start with this: I'm 23 years old, I've traveled the world, I've spent 5 years in college (all while making a hell of a lot of mistakes in that time), and I've been sitting at my desk, in my office, for almost 2 years now! While there are MANY lessons I've learned in those years as a professional, there is one thing I don't think any of us hustlin' ever really stop thinking about one thing - and that is making this not only my job, but the start of my long & successful career. ☺
Baby Allie, past Allie and this Allie writing right now, has always wanted one thing - to make a career out of entertaining people. Biggest mistake? Probably convincing my 7 year old self that I would be a millionaire by 24. Don't get me wrong, I still wake up and remind myself to keep pushing because of that fact, but my mistake was setting an unrealistic deadline.
I thought when I moved into a professional atmosphere, it was going to be just that. I had always been under the impression that there was this unspoken code of ethics adults just knew and abided by, at all times. Wrong! OMG sooo wrong!
Let's start with this: I'm 23 years old, I've traveled the world, I've spent 5 years in college (all while making a hell of a lot of mistakes in that time), and I've been sitting at my desk, in my office, for almost 2 years now! While there are MANY lessons I've learned in those years as a professional, there is one thing I don't think any of us hustlin' ever really stop thinking about one thing - and that is making this not only my job, but the start of my long & successful career. ☺
Baby Allie, past Allie and this Allie writing right now, has always wanted one thing - to make a career out of entertaining people. Biggest mistake? Probably convincing my 7 year old self that I would be a millionaire by 24. Don't get me wrong, I still wake up and remind myself to keep pushing because of that fact, but my mistake was setting an unrealistic deadline.
I thought when I moved into a professional atmosphere, it was going to be just that. I had always been under the impression that there was this unspoken code of ethics adults just knew and abided by, at all times. Wrong! OMG sooo wrong!
I work in a talent agency. Most of my crazy stories can be summed up to "ah, it's just the nature of the biz!" While others, most cases, can leave me scratching my head and wondering how certain people are able to keep themselves alive. Because damn, they are stupid!
Transitioning into adulthood is a hard & scary process. It's something we all go through, but while you're in it, it can take a lot out of you.
So, I'm gonna lay it out. All in writing, every week. Thanks for sharing these experiences with me. It's nice to remember there are other people out there, going thru the same thing as me. It helps me get thru it, so I hope my words can help someone else thru it.
Much love!
Phuck Yo Standards,
♡ alliehustle
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