When does fear become courage?

Have you ever had a shitty week? How about a whole shitty month? Obviously, it's nothing you can avoid if you're human. But, the important question to ask yourself is how do you plan to move forward? How do you continue when things in your life start to change so drastically?

I've always heard, "It's how you react to change that determines what kind of person you are." It's true, change is the only thing in life you can pretty much count on - besides death & taxes. It's never easy, but almost always necessary. You can choose to have negative feelings towards it and you'll almost surely die with your misery and heartache, or, you can choose to let it affect you and run with it. Eventually, you learn to live with it.

But how many of us can say that we've been given a clean slate?

I feel like I've had a clean slate before, when I was 15 and moved to Utah from Texas, or when I was 19 and made the decision to keep my distance from the city I once called home. Whether it's healthy to adopt that kind of attitude, I'm not too sure, but it works for me. The only difference is this time, I have a clean slate with no plan.

I will say, I'm lucky that I have such a dope family that catches me before I fall flat on my ass. I was unexpectedly given a clean slate, but I was lost in the chaos before I actually saw it as that.

I was 17 when I graduated high school, turned 18 in August of that year and moved out of my parents house, into my dorm, a week and a half later. Fast-forward 5 years later, brokenhearted after a bunch of tumultuous relationships and unfortunate circumstances, continually told the person I am, was not an appropriate personality for me to have; I had two semesters left of college and had just been hired full-time at a local talent agency. Adulthood was coming at me in full swing, my love of art was completely unfolding, and my burning desire to constantly create was and is stronger than ever. I decided school wasn't helping me get to where I wanted to be. So, I followed my heart.

I did my best and worked my ass off, but something was always missing. This past year, my depression had reached an overwhelming point - though, of course, you don't see it when you're living it. I honestly don't know what caused the initial spiral (there's a long list), I just know I fell deep and I fell fast.

I'm a worrier. The stay-up-all-night, make-yourself-physically-sick type of worrier. I've had anxiety since I can remember, which inevitably shuts my body down every few months and I suffer from physical illness. I wish I could explain it well enough but I remember one day when I was 3 or 4 years old, and for the first time I started to wonder about my future. Except it wasn't pleasant daydreams - it was panic. A fear of what was to come settled in my brain that day and has never left.

My question for you is: what would you do, RIGHT NOW, if you had a clean slate? Would you see the world? Would you pick up and leave or would find something new in the city you're in?

I'll let you know when I figure it out.

In the meantime, I hope 2016 brings you lots of love, happiness and satisfaction. Oh, and btw - you can have your clean slate whenever you decide to start living again.

PYS,
alliehustle

Btw - I have an interview for my dream job today. I've started creating, designing and producing my v own art projects and I couldn't be more content! You can see/buy them at www.alliehustle.com ! Send me good vibes!!! (:

High School in Utah as a new, non-Mormon kid.

This original article inspired me to write about my experience going to high school in Ogden, Utah. I encourage you to read it: here, as a back story for the thought behind my writing. Another thing I will add, this is a generalization of the mass majority in my personal experience. There are always exceptions.

I talk about my move from Colleyville, Texas to Ogden, Utah a lot, because I moved when I was 15. I moved at a pivotal point in my development, when I had grown up with my best friends in Texas since pre-school and Kindergarten. I started high school with them, only to leave after my Freshman year. It was rough.

I remember the culture shock vividly. I remember coming home from school and being on the phone with my mom, who traveled for business every week, bawling my eyes out, begging her to let me go home. Her harsh words of, "you ARE home" struck me to the core and took a long time for me to accept.

Being the new kid sucks. I hated it because I felt like it gave people a reason to talk about me behind my back. I always felt like an outsider and I really never understood why. Besides the fact my new classmates, for the majority, had all known each other since childhood, there was another element that made them not as easily accepting of new friends to their already-established "crew." 

When I finally started to meet people and make friends, usually their first question was always, "which ward are you in?" To which my reply was always, "which fucking what?" It didn't dawn on me until much later, that I was seen as "different" because of my and my family's religious views. 

My parents knew it was important to instill good morals and faith in my life. I was baptized Methodist when I was a baby. We went to church every major Christian holiday and a few Sundays here and there throughout the year. I went to children's Bible study, while my family continued through the adult service; while my Grandma was in the church choir, every single Sunday. I'm happy I had that structure when I was younger. I think it's important for any kid to have access to that information, so they can make their own informed decision on what they believe later in life.

I will say, by my junior and senior year, I had a solid group of friends that were not Mormon, but we all felt the same shame most religious people not-so-discreetly threw at us. "You're such a good person, why are you not Mormon?" was a statement I heard frequently and could never avoid. Almost as if some of my friends didn't understand that good natured people could be anything BUT Mormon. I even had friends who invited me to their family's home for dinner, only to surprise me with missionaries who wanted to stuff their beliefs down my throat. If I had to give it a name, it was religious bullying - on top of regular, mean-spirited, high school bullying, it was a lot to take in.

Last summer, I stumbled into a Facebook group/invite that was for my 5-year high school reunion. Was I invited personally? No. But when I started to lurk through the pages to find it was a "family" event and spouses and children were welcome, I literally wanted to vomit. It's not just one type of religious person in Utah that wants to settle down by age 22, but it's the culture of this state as a whole. Definitely influenced by one religion.

For the most part, my close friends in high school were not extremely religious. I try to keep in touch with my best girlfriends, but we've all diverged on such different paths that it's hard to keep a conversation flowing these days. I'll always have a soft spot for them, but I can't relate to their lives anymore. Had you asked me at age 17 if I thought all my friends would have children and either be married or "settled" by age 24, I would have laughed in your face. Now, I shudder in disbelief that it actually came true. Don't get me wrong, I have mad respect for the people I went to high school with who have started families and are insanely happy - but that's never been something I've wanted in my early to mid twenties.

I'm stoked on life. I have no responsibilities, except going to work, paying my bills and taking care of myself. I can get up, pack my shit to leave tomorrow and spend a month in Europe, if I wanted to. I can switch careers if I'm not loving what I do. I have an amazing relationship with my boyfriend, where our #1 commitment is to support each other and Netflix & chill every weekend. I can live my life the way I want. But the hardest part is when I see these people now, and they genuinely feel bad for me. I see it in their eyes. The stigma here is that because I'm 24, childless and not engaged, I'm miserable - and when that is a constant theme around you, maybe you start to believe it yourself.

I can only hope that the people I speak about in this blog post will one day realize their lack of education and ignorance. A lot of people in Utah are good-natured in their hearts, but the unawareness and nonacceptance of other types of people and happiness is damaging. I've dealt with the repercussions first-hand and I've taken one major life lesson from it - BEING DIFFERENT IS BEAUTIFUL.

SHIRT: OMIGHTY

(P)HUCK (Y)O (S)TANDARDS,

allie ♡

An Afternoon in the SL,UT

Saturday, August 29th

An Afternoon in the SL,UT

photos/models: (with Instagram tags!)

Jeffers Corn - @iamgangster 

Brandon DelBianco - @waitwhatdelb

Allie Hustle - @alliehustle

Di$COUNT UNIVERSE ~~ ♡

Rihanna will forever be my #1 fashion slayer icon... While, Miley is staying up there too!

Rih Rih stepped out in this amazing dress from Discount Universe last night. It reads, 'You Will Never Own Me,' in the front & 'I Will Never Fear You' on the back. Get it!!! This is from their 2014 MBFWA Runway Collection. 

(source: Necole Bitchie)

I discovered Discount Universe around this time last year and I'm always so inspired by their amazingly unique collections!

&&Who can forget Miley's sick photo shoot in her tie-dye Discount tee??

So if you haven't already, check out Discount Universe!! Bc for any millennial, cyber babe living in the digital era - it's a must.

Check them out - Di$COUNT UNIVERSE ♡

pys,

allie

Dear mean bitches,

I've been having a hard time lately.

Some days are good and some days are bad. What makes it all worse, I know I do it to myself. I don't have to feel this way, but I do.

I can remember being a little 4 year old with big hopes & dreams of being recognized for my achievements at an early age. I gave myself a deadline. My 4-year-old-self gave my adult-self a deadline to be successful - to be a millionaire by 24. Obviously, looking back now I realize how far-fetched this dream was, but, I also have to commend little Allie. She was ambitious and it pains me to say, over the past year I've suddenly lost this ambition.

This year, I'll be 24. I think that's why it's all hitting me so hard right now. I haven't acted in almost a year, which is what I was going to school for. I've been writing and recording for a mixtape, which has taken the back seat due to, well, life. I just know that I haven't been myself lately, and I'm tired of that.

I grew up in conservative Texas, moved to conservative Utah when I was 15 and grew up in a (somewhat/mainly) socially liberal family. I was conflicted by my surroundings and by what my family taught me and that was very hard for me.

I lived in a society where moms stayed at home. My friends mom's would wake them up, make them breakfast, take them school and pick them up. Granted, there were several exceptions to this standard but it was the norm for most of my friends. Dads worked, dads traveled and dads were the breadwinners.

That wasn't the case for me.

Both of my parents worked, really fucking hard. My dad would wake up at 4:00 am every morning to get to work, so, my mom would get us ready for school, make sure we ate and dropped us off on her way to work. On days she had to be there early, I would take the bus. Dad would make dinner, mom got home after 6:00 pm and that was that. That was my normal.

Kids are brutal, though. I can't tell you how many times my friends would make comments about how weird it was my dad cooked dinner every night. But it got worse.

My mom took a new job when I was in 6th/7th grade, which required her to be in New York City every Monday - Friday. She wanted to be close to family so instead of going east to make it easy on her, we moved to Utah after I finished 9th grade.

All I wanted growing up was to fit in. I was the new kid and with that title, it isn't easy. Luckily, I had cheerleading to put my time and energy into, along with taking out my frustrations. It was a true blessing to have my coaches looking out for me, with the few teachers I actually respected, along with my amazing parents and family. I was never alone but I felt that way for a long time.

It was hard in high school to be in a town that was mainly Mormon and not exactly accepting of people who are different, aka me and my family. Girls and their moms (mainly from my cheer team) would make comments about my mom being absent for certain events, or how it was strange that while everyone had cheer moms, I had a cheer dad.

Right now, I'd like to take a sec a give a big FUCK YOU to all of those bitchy girls & their sad moms that I knew back then. Thank you for being so mean to me. You gave me my drive to be better.

I was bullied, very equally, by boys and girls. I don't know how I made it through some days, but I did. I'm still here and I'm still fighting. I still deal with bullies and it still makes me sad. You just have to remember to focus on the good, put your energy where it belongs and spend time with people who enjoy spending time with you!!!

I'm not sure where the passion went, I know it's still inside of me, I just haven't been searching for it hard enough lately. Remembering what got me to this point is a great starter, though. If you're reading this and you can relate, just remember that you aren't alone! Life is hard, people are mean but you have to enjoy what you've been given because it's all we know! This world is beautiful. Even if it can be pretty shitty, find the beauty in the shit!!

And for the record, I have the best parents in the entire world. We struggled for awhile to see eye-to-eye, but I know now that everything they did was to ensure I could live my dreams one day. They are two of the most incredible people I've ever met and I'm so lucky they support my crazy antics. They always have and I know they always will.

Anyway, you're not alone. You never are! If you feel that way, talk to me. Please. Life is too precious to feel like you don't have anyone to talk to about your experiences!! Always remind yourself that.

Fashion Update:

New fave shoes - from: Inu-Inu

&Like I said earlier, if you need someone - talk to me! 

Here are my social media sites:

Instagram

Tumblr

WeHeartIt

Twitter

Soundcloud

Thanks 4 listening.

pys,

allie ♡

Stay Anonymous

Yo my new @lurkhard x @teenage shirt is fucking dooooope!

#stayanonymous

Well, friends... I can't even begin to explain how excited I am that it is finally the weekend! I have so much that's been on my mind lately, I can't wait to finally be able to share it all with you. 

But that will have to be another post, another day. As for now, enjoy your Friday, be yourself, fuck h8rs & do whatever the fuck makes u feel better and happy about life!!!!

pys,

allie ♡

Shade

My new sunglasses are literally my everything!!! ♡

U can shop them & so many other amazingly cute things @ The Cobra Shop ~ !

~~~~ awwwwwwww skeet skeet ~~~~

pys,

allie

Pastelization

♡ shirt: Pastelization Tee by T.E.I.N. Clothing - from ShopJeen  ♡

The one Spring fashion trend I think everyone should get on? : Pastels!!!

For the past two years, I have been buying every single article of clothing off the internet. The sudden explosion of small businesses gaining followers from social media has inspired me completely. I love seeing people start trends or start businesses that utilize their passions. Through Instagram, I've seen and met amazing people who are so passionate about art and expression. The community of artists sharing their experiences and supporting others is just so incredibly amazing to me. I love the support I get from you all & I hope I share my support in the same ways I feel it!

(P)huck (Y)o (S)tandards,

♡allie