Building Zero Problems

I'm working on a new project & I need your help.

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One of my favorite parts about life are the beautiful connections we make with each other. One of my least favorite parts about life is an excessive need for validation, from other people, especially when I think outside the box. Whether it's 1-time advice from the old man sitting next to you at the bar, or a life-changing decision you're desperately seeking an answer for - being heard is important.

It took me a really long time to understand that I wasn't the only person who felt insecure when I didn't know the answer to something. This next project is something I'm really passionate about. My goal is to get people, from all walks of life, talking and asking questions in a safe space that is meant for nothing more but connection, ease and entertainment. 

I've never felt understood and I've always been selfish enough to think I was the only one. My life has always been a confusing contradiction of trying to make a million things work at once.

From growing up in Texas, as a competitive cheerleader, moving to Utah with a non-traditional Christian background to being sought after in high school as someone who could be saved with LDS Missionary lessons. Going to Acting/Film school in Salt Lake City while being bullied by Sorority sisters and drugged on multiple occasions in Fraternity houses, remaining as an empty shell. Spending time in therapy, failed relationships and friendships, to blogging about my problems afterwards. To finally getting the courage to leave and go to Acting school for a summer in LA. Back to working in the top Talent Agency in SLC & then making a move to San Francisco to pursue a career (my dream career @ my dream company) in Entertainment and Social Media, which eventually all crumbled in my lap. All of this, with an intense obsession for Gangster Rap, Ancient Aliens and my insanely diverse group of friends.

I may not be an expert in advice-giving, but I've seen some shit and I am extremely passionate about people and their stories. 

This platform is now open for discussion:

Let's chat. What's on your mind?

disclaimer: The end goal in this project is building a larger platform to discuss the questions being asked. Thanks for reading!

High School in Utah as a new, non-Mormon kid.

This original article inspired me to write about my experience going to high school in Ogden, Utah. I encourage you to read it: here, as a back story for the thought behind my writing. Another thing I will add, this is a generalization of the mass majority in my personal experience. There are always exceptions.

I talk about my move from Colleyville, Texas to Ogden, Utah a lot, because I moved when I was 15. I moved at a pivotal point in my development, when I had grown up with my best friends in Texas since pre-school and Kindergarten. I started high school with them, only to leave after my Freshman year. It was rough.

I remember the culture shock vividly. I remember coming home from school and being on the phone with my mom, who traveled for business every week, bawling my eyes out, begging her to let me go home. Her harsh words of, "you ARE home" struck me to the core and took a long time for me to accept.

Being the new kid sucks. I hated it because I felt like it gave people a reason to talk about me behind my back. I always felt like an outsider and I really never understood why. Besides the fact my new classmates, for the majority, had all known each other since childhood, there was another element that made them not as easily accepting of new friends to their already-established "crew." 

When I finally started to meet people and make friends, usually their first question was always, "which ward are you in?" To which my reply was always, "which fucking what?" It didn't dawn on me until much later, that I was seen as "different" because of my and my family's religious views. 

My parents knew it was important to instill good morals and faith in my life. I was baptized Methodist when I was a baby. We went to church every major Christian holiday and a few Sundays here and there throughout the year. I went to children's Bible study, while my family continued through the adult service; while my Grandma was in the church choir, every single Sunday. I'm happy I had that structure when I was younger. I think it's important for any kid to have access to that information, so they can make their own informed decision on what they believe later in life.

I will say, by my junior and senior year, I had a solid group of friends that were not Mormon, but we all felt the same shame most religious people not-so-discreetly threw at us. "You're such a good person, why are you not Mormon?" was a statement I heard frequently and could never avoid. Almost as if some of my friends didn't understand that good natured people could be anything BUT Mormon. I even had friends who invited me to their family's home for dinner, only to surprise me with missionaries who wanted to stuff their beliefs down my throat. If I had to give it a name, it was religious bullying - on top of regular, mean-spirited, high school bullying, it was a lot to take in.

Last summer, I stumbled into a Facebook group/invite that was for my 5-year high school reunion. Was I invited personally? No. But when I started to lurk through the pages to find it was a "family" event and spouses and children were welcome, I literally wanted to vomit. It's not just one type of religious person in Utah that wants to settle down by age 22, but it's the culture of this state as a whole. Definitely influenced by one religion.

For the most part, my close friends in high school were not extremely religious. I try to keep in touch with my best girlfriends, but we've all diverged on such different paths that it's hard to keep a conversation flowing these days. I'll always have a soft spot for them, but I can't relate to their lives anymore. Had you asked me at age 17 if I thought all my friends would have children and either be married or "settled" by age 24, I would have laughed in your face. Now, I shudder in disbelief that it actually came true. Don't get me wrong, I have mad respect for the people I went to high school with who have started families and are insanely happy - but that's never been something I've wanted in my early to mid twenties.

I'm stoked on life. I have no responsibilities, except going to work, paying my bills and taking care of myself. I can get up, pack my shit to leave tomorrow and spend a month in Europe, if I wanted to. I can switch careers if I'm not loving what I do. I have an amazing relationship with my boyfriend, where our #1 commitment is to support each other and Netflix & chill every weekend. I can live my life the way I want. But the hardest part is when I see these people now, and they genuinely feel bad for me. I see it in their eyes. The stigma here is that because I'm 24, childless and not engaged, I'm miserable - and when that is a constant theme around you, maybe you start to believe it yourself.

I can only hope that the people I speak about in this blog post will one day realize their lack of education and ignorance. A lot of people in Utah are good-natured in their hearts, but the unawareness and nonacceptance of other types of people and happiness is damaging. I've dealt with the repercussions first-hand and I've taken one major life lesson from it - BEING DIFFERENT IS BEAUTIFUL.

SHIRT: OMIGHTY

(P)HUCK (Y)O (S)TANDARDS,

allie ♡

"Imminent Rape Victim"

Friday, July 31st, 2015 - 4:08 pm

Dumbfounded. 

That's probably the only word that comes to my head in situations like this.



I, sometimes, really secretly hate venting over the internet - but weird shit happens to me a lot and I'm hoping that someone, somewhere will benefit from me sharing my experiences. I'll get to the point, I promise, but I'd really like to share my story with you.

Let me start with some basics to get you up to speed; I work in a professional environment in the entertainment industry. Yes, it's not your 'typical' professional environment, since the photo above showcases my usual wardrobe - which varies on a day-to-day basis. Also, it's the entertainment industry...

The multitude of extreme personalities I interact with on a daily basis are something else, I am positive that I could not accurately describe it.

Most days, I can hang but there are a handful of days that something happens and the atmosphere alters my mood. Don't get me wrong, I feel very lucky to earn my living in an industry I've dreamed of working for since I can remember. I'm also incredibly lucky to work for someone who encourages dreamers and creative types to pursue their passions, persevere through hardships and to always stand up for what you believe in. Most importantly, I get to go to work everyday and be myself.

I know very few people who get to say that.

Getting to express myself through fashion is one way that has helped me as I've struggled with depression for the past few years. It is something I hold very close to my heart because I believe expressing one's individuality is an important feat in life. I experiment with different options because I have fun doing it. Not to mention, I live in the conservative state of Utah. People act the same, people dress the same and people pretend they all like the same things. So yes, sometimes I overcompensate for feeling stuck in this cookie cutter place - but who the fuck is anyone to judge!

Life is about going through shit. Well, it's pretty much all we do while we're here - we just go through shit. Whether you're in a high point and going through good shit, or if you're at a low point and going through bad shit, we are all experiencing life.

All I really expect from other people I interact with on a daily basis is coexistence. Especially when it's at work. We don't choose who we interact with at our jobs, so to me, it seems very logical to be as considerate as possible when dealing with other people I don't necessarily know too well. That's just me.

Today at work, my world shifted because of someone else's actions. It may have seemed so minuscule in their world, but it absolutely shifted mine. 

I get a lot of looks and overhear old (& young) people say some nasty comments behind my back about my choice of style. It gets to me, sometimes, but I have to remind myself that those people are so sad and small-minded if they feel comfortable to bring down others about something they don't understand.

The conversation when anyone walks in my office is always personably professional. Yesterday was different. 


The conversation:

Man: *mumble* "What have you got on? What is that you're wearing today? That's an interesting outfit..." *mumble*

Me: "Yeah, well, you know how Fridays are. I woke up late, I threw something together and here I am!"

Man: "You look like an imminent rape victim."

I'm sure I'm not alone when I say I have experienced things that I wish I hadn't. What makes those things even harder, is when other people throw them in your face - even if it's unknowingly. 

Rape is not a joke. It is not taboo and it is not a subject to take lightly. 

Rape is something that needs to be addressed, it needs to be talked about and it needs to be discussed. Whether you're a man or a woman - if this is a something you're having a hard time with, please know you are not alone. 

I don't want to spend a lot of time discussing this subject at the moment. Maybe in the future, I'll be able to shed more light and spend more time discussing the facts. That's just not something I'm ready to do at the moment. However, if you are reading this, thank you - whether you can relate to my situation or you are educating yourself - thank you.

Be that as it may, it would be really fucking silly for any of us to dwell on those instances for the rest of our lives. We can't change them. But, you can learn. Taking knowledge from those situations and moving forward is all you can do. If you are able to take what you learn and explain it to others so that they, too, learn from your experiences, honestly - what else can we ask for in a person? 

I value our existence very much. Regardless if we agree or disagree about how life came to be and what it all means, I think it's safe to say that most of us can agree it's a beautiful and special thing we are experiencing. I believe that every person has the right to do what makes them happy, unless you're harming others or affecting other people, places and things in a negative way, then I think you're a shitty person.

Please be kind. Everyone is fighting their own battle. Why be the person that makes it worse for someone else? 




Spread love, always.

♡allie

Dear mean bitches,

I've been having a hard time lately.

Some days are good and some days are bad. What makes it all worse, I know I do it to myself. I don't have to feel this way, but I do.

I can remember being a little 4 year old with big hopes & dreams of being recognized for my achievements at an early age. I gave myself a deadline. My 4-year-old-self gave my adult-self a deadline to be successful - to be a millionaire by 24. Obviously, looking back now I realize how far-fetched this dream was, but, I also have to commend little Allie. She was ambitious and it pains me to say, over the past year I've suddenly lost this ambition.

This year, I'll be 24. I think that's why it's all hitting me so hard right now. I haven't acted in almost a year, which is what I was going to school for. I've been writing and recording for a mixtape, which has taken the back seat due to, well, life. I just know that I haven't been myself lately, and I'm tired of that.

I grew up in conservative Texas, moved to conservative Utah when I was 15 and grew up in a (somewhat/mainly) socially liberal family. I was conflicted by my surroundings and by what my family taught me and that was very hard for me.

I lived in a society where moms stayed at home. My friends mom's would wake them up, make them breakfast, take them school and pick them up. Granted, there were several exceptions to this standard but it was the norm for most of my friends. Dads worked, dads traveled and dads were the breadwinners.

That wasn't the case for me.

Both of my parents worked, really fucking hard. My dad would wake up at 4:00 am every morning to get to work, so, my mom would get us ready for school, make sure we ate and dropped us off on her way to work. On days she had to be there early, I would take the bus. Dad would make dinner, mom got home after 6:00 pm and that was that. That was my normal.

Kids are brutal, though. I can't tell you how many times my friends would make comments about how weird it was my dad cooked dinner every night. But it got worse.

My mom took a new job when I was in 6th/7th grade, which required her to be in New York City every Monday - Friday. She wanted to be close to family so instead of going east to make it easy on her, we moved to Utah after I finished 9th grade.

All I wanted growing up was to fit in. I was the new kid and with that title, it isn't easy. Luckily, I had cheerleading to put my time and energy into, along with taking out my frustrations. It was a true blessing to have my coaches looking out for me, with the few teachers I actually respected, along with my amazing parents and family. I was never alone but I felt that way for a long time.

It was hard in high school to be in a town that was mainly Mormon and not exactly accepting of people who are different, aka me and my family. Girls and their moms (mainly from my cheer team) would make comments about my mom being absent for certain events, or how it was strange that while everyone had cheer moms, I had a cheer dad.

Right now, I'd like to take a sec a give a big FUCK YOU to all of those bitchy girls & their sad moms that I knew back then. Thank you for being so mean to me. You gave me my drive to be better.

I was bullied, very equally, by boys and girls. I don't know how I made it through some days, but I did. I'm still here and I'm still fighting. I still deal with bullies and it still makes me sad. You just have to remember to focus on the good, put your energy where it belongs and spend time with people who enjoy spending time with you!!!

I'm not sure where the passion went, I know it's still inside of me, I just haven't been searching for it hard enough lately. Remembering what got me to this point is a great starter, though. If you're reading this and you can relate, just remember that you aren't alone! Life is hard, people are mean but you have to enjoy what you've been given because it's all we know! This world is beautiful. Even if it can be pretty shitty, find the beauty in the shit!!

And for the record, I have the best parents in the entire world. We struggled for awhile to see eye-to-eye, but I know now that everything they did was to ensure I could live my dreams one day. They are two of the most incredible people I've ever met and I'm so lucky they support my crazy antics. They always have and I know they always will.

Anyway, you're not alone. You never are! If you feel that way, talk to me. Please. Life is too precious to feel like you don't have anyone to talk to about your experiences!! Always remind yourself that.

Fashion Update:

New fave shoes - from: Inu-Inu

&Like I said earlier, if you need someone - talk to me! 

Here are my social media sites:

Instagram

Tumblr

WeHeartIt

Twitter

Soundcloud

Thanks 4 listening.

pys,

allie ♡